This weekend I had a get together at my house with some friends. We were a group of married with children that are either embracing our 40s or coming up on 40 rather quickly.
The subject of family came up. We were talking about our childhoods, and surprisingly or not surprisingly, all of our stories were marred with dysfunction. Everyone sitting on that deck, everyone had experience with divorce, abuse, and abandonment. We talked a lot of not wanting the same experiences for our families and protecting our children the way we wished we were protected growing up. I even admitted to the fact that my family turned their back on me when I spoke up about some of the injustices in my childhood. I was just supposed to deal with it, not speak about it in their minds.
For me, getting through those issues from my childhood has been a process that put me in therapy. Now the word therapy, for most African-Americans is a dirty word. This is too bad because many of us need it. So let me ask you; if I came from a divorced home, never really knew my father and was abused; do I really know how to be healthy on my own. I thought I did, until I just could not shake this unhappy feeling. My motto for a very long time was "It is the hand I was dealt so I just have to get over it". I needed therapy.
While there is some truth to my motto, I forgot the part about grieving. I forgot that it is OK to grieve abandonment, divorce and abuse. That grief is part of the healing process; until you grieve you truly have not healed. If we truly are going to be better for our children we have to confront and deal with what pains us. Therapy helped me embrace this concept.
The subject of family came up. We were talking about our childhoods, and surprisingly or not surprisingly, all of our stories were marred with dysfunction. Everyone sitting on that deck, everyone had experience with divorce, abuse, and abandonment. We talked a lot of not wanting the same experiences for our families and protecting our children the way we wished we were protected growing up. I even admitted to the fact that my family turned their back on me when I spoke up about some of the injustices in my childhood. I was just supposed to deal with it, not speak about it in their minds.
For me, getting through those issues from my childhood has been a process that put me in therapy. Now the word therapy, for most African-Americans is a dirty word. This is too bad because many of us need it. So let me ask you; if I came from a divorced home, never really knew my father and was abused; do I really know how to be healthy on my own. I thought I did, until I just could not shake this unhappy feeling. My motto for a very long time was "It is the hand I was dealt so I just have to get over it". I needed therapy.
While there is some truth to my motto, I forgot the part about grieving. I forgot that it is OK to grieve abandonment, divorce and abuse. That grief is part of the healing process; until you grieve you truly have not healed. If we truly are going to be better for our children we have to confront and deal with what pains us. Therapy helped me embrace this concept.
I have to say, it was refreshing to see us all take a step towards that by talking about our fears, past pains and future desires.
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